Time Waits

Things aren’t always what they seem, are they?

I walk around making jokes and being everybody’s back-up, but sometimes I’m the one who needs a shoulder and a good joke to make me forget what’s on my mind.

I’m NOT whining … I am fully aware of the fact that I don’t share much with people and when I do, it’s in the form of a joke or a rant to make them laugh. I am a comedian at heart. I’m just saying that sometimes it would be nice if someone would just ASK instead of waling in the door and starting in with their drama du jour.

Someone DID ask today and before I could even get an answer out, he just continued on with his own personal agenda – wanting my feedback, wanting my support.

Of course, I’m here for my friends and family, but just every once in a while … y’know?

Givin’ it my best shot these past weeks – don’t know how well I’m doing. You know it’s really hard being the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and knowing that I don’t have anyone to go to.

I know I whine a lot and I bitch and moan a lot – the majority of it is for effect. I like to make people laugh. I’m opinionated and I have a goddamn answer for everything. I NEVER (or seldom, let’s say) complain or bitch about what’s really wrong with me, or what’s really bothering me. I have friends who have been going through so much worse that I am that it would be a sin for me to bitch about my piddly problems.

But if anyone knew how bad it really was I’m pretty sure a lot people would be surprised.

I haven’t been sleeping well these past weeks. I hate it when BigD is out of town – HATE IT. I can’t sleep without him, even if I can’t sleep when he’s home cuz he’s a crabby old ass. But at least he’s home and even if one of us are on the sofa, we’re in the same house and if I need him,he’s there.

When he’s gone, I don’t sleep good. I fell asleep at 7pm last night (I know, right?) and was up at one a.m. putting new memory in my computer. By 2am I was a slobbery, whinery, snotty mess. I was just so fucking lonesome. My back hurt so bad, and all I could think was that they’ll never find out what’s wrong with me.

I started crying so hard that I started coughing – this goddamn cold won’t go away, it’s been over a MONTH. I keep thinking about my mom – she went in December and got a completely clean bill of health (she had to have physical cuz she was working at a nursing home). Five weeks later – a fifty cent piece spot of cancer on her lungs.

She was dead less than a year later.

Shit like that goes through your head when you’re home alone, night after night, after night.

So …

Yesterday I was supposed to get my tat worked on by the Tattoo God and then have lunch with a new friend (who happens to be the TG’s lady). My fucking car decided I wasn’t going anywhere and that I need a new ignition module.

Yay.

When to town w/the baby today. She makes me laugh and that’s a good thing. Right now I need all the laugh I can get.

Imma get my Jim Beam on … yeah, pickin’ up the ghetto talk, lol.

I gotta go … nothing to see here, move along.

Whoop.

With so much more than I deserve.

Good friends, good kids, good animals, spectacular husband … I have been blessed.

I do a lot of bitching; I can’t help it, it’s what I do and what I’m good at. If you read between the lines, you can see that it’s all in fun.

At the end of the day, I thank God for ALL of it. I would gladly go through EVERY shitty thing that happened to me when I was a kid if I could be guaranteed to end up exactly where I am today.

OMG … I finally did the damn taxes today. I don’t know why I put it off for so long every year. We do TurboTax and it only takes me about an hour. One income, no kids, no itemizing – we lead a simple fucking life.

Well, I DO KNOW why I waited until today instead of doing them on Monday; I was pissed (still am) at BigD.

“Really?” you say. “No shit,” you say.

Yeah, no shit, I say.

He occasionally FORGETS who does his laundry, makes his supper five nights a week, pays the bills, deals with insurance and utilities people when they need to be dealt with and takes care of all the little stuff he TAKES FOR GRANTED. Ya know like blow-jobs and incidentals like that.

Yeah, that would be me.

That’s why when I say to him, “My car won’t start.” I expect him to do more than put the fucking battery charger on it for ten minutes, tell me he doesn’t know what’s wrong with it and tell me to call our mechanic.

Which he would NOT do if one of his buddies drove in the yard and said, “Dude, my car’s fucked, I need help.” If THAT happened, he would fire up the wood stove, move his bike and let his buddy pull his car in the garage and they’d be out there until the wee hours, working on that car.

I do NOT expect to have to try THREE FUCKING USELESS battery chargers and call my girlfriend who works for a fucking parts store for help before I remember that the ONE battery charger that works has been “on loan” since last summer.

I expect him to occasionally say, “My God, honey, you must be so tired from COUGHING ALL FUCKING NIGHT. I’ll sleep on the sofa once so you can get a good night’s rest.”

Which he actually DID last night.

And the taxes got done TODAY.

There’s a moral to that story in there somewhere.

I should be doing the taxes, but I’m in a snit at the old man and I doan wanna (spoken in my whiny voice). If you didn’t know me you might think it was because I didn’t get anything, not even a card, for Valentine’s Day.

But it’s not.

It’s because he’s a dick in bed.

Hey come back, this is NOT gonna be TMI, this time, I promise. Well there might be later in this post, but right now I’m referring to how he talks in his sleep, NOT about his tremendous sexual prowess (what, you don’t think I’ve been with him for 25 years because he’s independently wealthy, do ya?).

Every once in a while, usually if he’s sick, like with a bad cold, he talks in his sleep and says shitty things to me. One night last week, after I’d had a tremendous coughing fit, he told me to get out of bed then called the dog up next to him.

WTF.

Night before last, every time I woke up coughing he had something snotty to say. Then when his alarm went off, he says, “Well, at least SOMEONE gets to sleep.”

I am fully aware of the fact that he can’t be held accountable for anything he says/does in his sleep, but it pisses me off. I mean, I am already PISSED OFF because I just woke myself up for the third (or fourth or fifth) time coughing my guts out. Do I really need his assholery on top of it?

He always apologizes for anything he might’ve said and I know he doesn’t mean it, but STILL …

NOW for the real TMI – The Valentine’s Day Edition

1. Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to sex with another person in 2010?

Nope. Nope.

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)

When we were first together, I gave BigDaddy a great big whack across the head. I can’t imagine why the hell he kept dating me.

3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?

Their forearms and hands.

4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every used? Ever been used on you?

Really? I grew up in and made my living for thirty years in a bar – pick one. I’ve heard ‘em all. Some worked, some didn’t.

5. Where is the most unique you have ever had sex?

Men’s room of a bar we hang out at