Time Waits

Originally composed in 1997 and added to over the years

I am not going to warn people that there are parts of this web space that may be offensive, that is a given, especially if you know me. I can occasionally be very offensive. My friends deal with it. If you can’t–you ain’t my friend, and I’ll get over it. Just like you’ll go away–RIGHT?

If you know me, or think you know me, or whatever…I’m not going to ask you to go away. This is my life. That was my past. I own it all, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Unless, of course, you’re my kid. Then get the hell outta here. You oughtta know better.

BASIC FACTS:

Name: If I told you that I’d have to kill you
Nicknames: jl & the mad bytch (I come by it honestly, lol)
E-Mail: bella @ gmail.com (fucking spam)
Preferred Hair Color: lucille ball come fuck me red
Eye Color: greenish hazel
DOB: 1961 … yeah, I’m flippin’ old
Where I live: Cheesehead Heaven (Wisconsin)
Where I grew up: Michigan til I was six, then Wisconsin
Marital Status: Very seriously married
Parents: Both deceased… I am an orphan
Sibs: Two bros and two sisters
Best Friend(s): No such thing
Pets: A golden and three cats My best boy died and we’re down to two one cats. Back up to one Golden and two cats. We’re pretty sure FatCat died, but one of Lil Boy’s progeny has taken up residence
Best Advice: Do it before it’s too late
Words Or Phrases I Use Too Much: Well, fuck ME…
Coolest Experience: Have to think on that one…
Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done: Have to think on that one, too, but they’re probably the same thing.
Little Known Talent I Posses: I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue Not so much since I had my teeth fixed, but I’m working on it UPDATE – 2005: I was actually getting pretty goood at this again over the summer … then I got fired.
Special Skills Or Talents: Oh please… can’t discuss that HERE
Character Traits I Look For In A Person: Honesty, lack of duplicity
What I Want To Be When I Grow Up: Just plain fuckin’ happy.
Future Goals: To take over Stephen King’s place in the literary world.
Religion/Denomination: I believe.

FAVORITE THINGS:

Four letter word: F-U-C-K … in every sense of the word
Actor: Will Smith and/or Tommy Lee Jones
Actress: Susan Sarandon
Authors: Stephen King
Book: The Stand
Candy: M & M’s
Cartoon character: Bugs Bunny
Color: Green
Color Nail Polish: Blue or green
Cosmetics Brand: Varies
Day of week: Tuesday
Drink: Vodka & cranberry juice
Number: Three
Fabric: Cotton
Flower: Rose or lilac
Group/Band: Eagles, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kid Rock
Hour of day: 6 p.m.
Holiday: Thanksgiving
Month: May
Movie: Too many to list
Part of the Day: Night
Sayings: Well, then…
Season: Spring
Shampoo: Graham Webb
Song: Take It to the Limit (all time) / None (current)
Sport to watch: NASCAR
Things to wear: Sweats, Flannel pj pants and a T-shirt
TV show(s): CSI, Family Plots, anything related to true crime
Type of tunes: Straight out rock ‘n’ roll

THINGS I HATE:

I hate people who are two faced
I hate people who play games
I hate to work
I hate flies
I hate the commercial hoopla of Christmas
I hate talking on the phone
I hate pizza
I hate being crabby
I hate people who are snobby about TV: “I never watch TV.”
I hate to exercise
I HATE my teeth
I hate morning
I hate people who don’t use their turn signals
I hate Madonna

THE THING THAT IRRITATES ME THE MOST:

My country’s joke of a justice system

MISC. FAVORITE THINGS:

I love to have the back of my neck kissed

I am a lyric freak
I love to wear make-up, but hate putting it on
I love the color of my eyes–they’re really green
I love to read
I ABSOLUTELY adore my husband
I love sex
I love to laugh
I love 70’s bubblegum music
I love croissants

MISC. FACTOIDS:

Worst Habit: Gossiping
Biggest Obsession: My husband
Piercings: Twelve — Ten in my ears, one in my nose, one in my bellybutton
Tattoos: Four (see below)
IQ: Between 132 and 150 (depending on the test)

100 USELESS PIECES OF INFORMATION ABOUT ME:

• I used to sleep with the radio on
• I can’t sleep without the TV on–just for the noise
• I sleep with a teddy bear
• I am an obsessive speller
• I’ve never been anywhere but the Midwest
• I smoke like a chimney…menthols…generics
• I drink a pot of coffee every morning before 9 a.m…caffeinated
• I am crabby alot
• I went mostly braless until I was 36…then the girls kinda lost their perkiness
• I do not like to wear shoes, even in winter
• I’m a Taurus…the Bull. Go figure
• I aspire to being the best bitch I can be
• I am illegitimate
• I met my real dad on Father’s Day 1979
• I did not get along with him
• I am not fat, I am flabby
• I carry my weight well
• I was molested as a child–by several different men
• I hope they’re all burn in hell
• I love “green” words: emerald, sage, forest, celery, khaki
• I want to have my breasts lifted
• I have only 6-8 small stretch marks as a result of two pregnancies
• I am much more turned on by the written word than I am by photographs
• I have a morbid imagination
• I’ve never owned a new piece of furniture
• I do 80% of my shopping at Goodwill and St. Vincent de Paul
• I lost my virginity at the age of 14
• I have been married twice
• I have been treated for infertility
• I’m happy to say that it worked
• I have been married to my current husband longer than I was married to my first husband
• I would never get married again if anything were to happen to my husband
• I would be in the nuthouse if something happened to my husband, so I COULDN’T get married again
• I was have been a bartender for 16over 30 years
• I have a tattoo on my upper back
• I have a tattoo on my left forearm (my 2 sisters have the identical tattoo)
• I have a tattoo on my left breast
• I have a tattoo on my right calf
• I got my first tattoo, the one on my forearm, in 1984
• I had tattoos that showed long before Cher flashed her skinny asscheeks in that video
• I do not regret a single tattoo and will NEVER have them lasered
• I am fixing to get one last fucking hurrah of a tattoo before the year is over…(I did this in the summer of 2001)
• I am unbelievable and unapologetic slob
• I am not, however, a pig
• I used to bite my nails
• I often go into deep depressions
• I sometimes dislike my children–ALOT
• I ALWAYS love my children
• I have never been baptized
• I dance in the shower
• I think that’s dangerous
• I am curiously naive
• I believe in the death penalty, especially for child killers and molesters
• I am pro-choice AND pro-life … you figure it out
• I used to be a helluva poker player
• I am an electronic idiot savant–I can *make* stuff work
• I can’t remember grades 2 through 7
• I am a big fan of the use of qualifiers in sentences
• I think the word “weird” is a compliment
• I used to sleep til noon
• I used to think I was pretty
• I haven’t aged well
• I have no political bent
• I have planned my own funeral
• I miss my mother
• I do not remember her funeral
• I was 29 when she died
• I am technically an orphan
• I don’t usually care to discuss sex, other than superficially
• I ‘ve attempted suicide several times–I nearly died in 1991
• I met my husband in the 7th grade, but didn’t go out with him til we were 24
• I have a reputation as a hard-ass
• I have not hit anyone since the eighth grade
• I once considered being a stripper–I was thinner then
• I am addicted to TV crime dramas
• I discovered masturbation at the age of 14
• I haven’t quit since then
• I have TemperoMandibular Joint Disorder
• I haveFibromyalgia
• I used to drive a car that could be lifted and moved by six men – now I drive a Caddie
• I would rather drive a standard than an automatic
• I am not a trend-fucker
• I am notoriously bad with my money
• I do not smoke marijuana
• I have tried crystal meth–12 yrs. ago.
• I won’t do it again
• I tried mushrooms once…they gave me the giggles
• I have nothing against people who use drugs
• I drink Bud Light–out of a can.
• I like the metallic aftertaste
• I sweat copiously
• I think it’s disgusting
• I like Will Smith’s acting but I don’t care for his singing
• I believe in God and miracles
• I didn’t graduate from high school
• I am extremely vocal during sex
• I was not always that way
• I would rather shower than bathe
• I will wait to go to the bathroom until it’s painful
• I think I may have ruined my bladder by doing that
• I may or may not add to this document