BASIC FACTS:

Name: If I told you that I’d have to kill you (but if you pay attention you’ll figure it out)
Nicknames: jl & the madbytch (I come by it honestly, lol)
Preferred Hair Color: lucille ball come fuck me red
Eye Color: greenish hazel
DOB: 1961 … yeah, I’m flippin’ old
Where I live: Cheesehead Heaven (Wisconsin)
Where I grew up: Michigan til I was six, then Wisconsin
Marital Status: Very seriously married
Parents: Both deceased… I am an orphan
Sibs: Two bros and two sisters
Best Friend(s): No such thing
Pets: A Golden, a chihuahua and a cat (though I can’t be sure about the cat cuz I never see her)
Best Advice: Do it before it’s too late
Words Or Phrases I Use Too Much: Well, fuck ME
Coolest Experience: Have to think on that one…
Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done: Have to think on that one, too, but they’re probably the same thing.
Little Known Talent I Posses: I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue Not so much since I had my teeth fixed, but I’m working on it UPDATE – 2005: I was actually getting pretty goood at this again over the summer … then I got fired.
Special Skills Or Talents: Oh please… can’t discuss that HERE
Character Traits I Look For In A Person: Honesty, lack of duplicity
What I Want To Be When I Grow Up: Just plain fuckin’ happy.
Future Goals: To take over Stephen King’s place in the literary world.
Religion/Denomination: I believe.

FAVORITE THINGS:

Four letter word: F-U-C-K … in every sense of the word
Actor: Will Smith and/or Tommy Lee Jones
Actress: Susan Sarandon
Authors: Stephen King
Book: The Stand
Candy: M & M’s
Cartoon character: Bugs Bunny
Color: Green
Color Nail Polish: Blue or green
Cosmetics Brand: Varies
Day of week: Tuesday
Drink: Vodka & cranberry juice
Number: Three
Fabric: Cotton
Flower: Rose or lilac
Group/Band: Eagles, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kid Rock
Hour of day: 6 p.m.
Holiday: Thanksgiving
Month: May
Movie: Too many to list
Part of the Day: Night
Sayings: Well, then…
Season: Spring
Shampoo: Graham Webb
Song: Take It to the Limit (all time) / None (current)
Sport to watch: NASCAR, that would be MLB, Brewers all the way, baby
Things to wear: Sweats, Flannel pj pants and a T-shirt
TV show(s): Sons of Anarchy, Walking Dead, Fallen Skies, CSI, anything related to true crime
Type of tunes: Straight out rock ‘n’ roll

THINGS I HATE:

I hate people who are two faced
I hate people who play games
I hate to work
I hate flies
I hate the commercial hoopla of Christmas
I hate talking on the phone
I hate pizza
I hate being crabby
I hate people who are snobby about TV: “I never watch TV.”
I hate to exercise
I HATE my teeth
I hate morning
I hate people who don’t use their turn signals
I hate Madonna

THE THING THAT IRRITATES ME THE MOST:

My country’s joke of a justice system

MISC. FAVORITE THINGS:

I love to have the back of my neck kissed
I am a lyric freak
I love to wear make-up, but hate putting it on
I love the color of my eyes–they’re really green
I love to read
I ABSOLUTELY adore my husband
I love sex
I love to laugh
I love 70’s bubblegum music
I love croissants

MISC. FACTOIDS:

Worst Habit: Gossiping
Biggest Obsession: My husband
Piercings: Twelve — Ten in my ears, one in my nose, one in my bellybutton
Tattoos: Four (see below)
IQ: Between 132 and 150 (depending on the test)

100 USELESS PIECES OF INFORMATION ABOUT ME:

  • I used to sleep with the radio on
  • I can’t sleep without the TV on–just for the noise
  • I sleep with a teddy bear a chihuahua
  • I am an obsessive speller
  • I’ve never been anywhere but the Midwest
  • I smoke like a chimney…menthols…generics
  • I drink a pot of coffee every morning before 9 a.m…caffeinated
  • I am crabby alot
  • I went mostly braless until I was 36…then the girls kinda lost their perkiness
  • I do not like to wear shoes, even in winter
  • I’m a Taurus…the Bull. Go figure
  • I aspire to being the best bitch I can be
  • I am illegitimate
  • I met my real dad on Father’s Day 1979
  • I did not get along with him
  • I am not fat, I am flabby I am FAT
  • I carry my weight well
  • I was molested as a child–by several different men
  • I hope they’re all burn in hell
  • I love “green” words: emerald, sage, forest, celery, khaki
  • I want to have my breasts lifted
  • I have only 6-8 small stretch marks as a result of two pregnancies
  • I am much more turned on by the written word than I am by photographs
  • I have a morbid imagination
  • I’ve never owned a new piece of furniture I bought a new living room set two year ago – I HATE it
  • I do 80% of my shopping at Goodwill and St. Vincent de Paul
  • I lost my virginity at the age of 14
  • I have been married twice
  • I have been treated for infertility
  • I’m happy to say that it worked
  • I have been married to my current husband longer than I was married to my first husband
  • I would never get married again if anything were to happen to my husband
  • I would be in the nuthouse if something happened to my husband, so I COULDN’T get married again
  • I was have been a bartender for 16over 30 years
  • I have a tattoo on my upper back
  • I have a tattoo on my left forearm (my 2 sisters have the identical tattoo)
  • I have a tattoo on my right forearm
  • I have a tattoo on my left breast
  • I have a tattoo on my right calf
  • I got my first tattoo, the one on my forearm, in 1984
  • I had tattoos that showed long before Cher flashed her skinny asscheeks in that video
  • I do not regret a single tattoo and will NEVER have them lasered
  • I am fixing to get one last fucking hurrah of a tattoo before the year is over…(I did this in the summer of 2001)
  • I am unbelievable and unapologetic slob
  • I am not, however, a pig
  • I used to bite my nails
  • I often go into deep depressions
  • I sometimes dislike my children–ALOT
  • I ALWAYS love my children
  • I have never been baptized
  • I dance in the shower
  • I think that’s dangerous
  • I am curiously naive
  • I believe in the death penalty, especially for child killers and molesters
  • I am pro-choice AND pro-life … you figure it out
  • I used to be a helluva poker player
  • I am an electronic idiot savant–I can *make* stuff work
  • I can’t remember grades 2 through 7
  • I am a big fan of the use of qualifiers in sentences
  • I think the word “weird” is a compliment
  • I used to sleep til noon
  • I used to think I was pretty
  • I haven’t aged well
  • I have no political bent
  • I have planned my own funeral
  • I miss my mother
  • I do not remember her funeral
  • I was 29 when she died
  • I am technically an orphan
  • I don’t usually care to discuss sex, other than superficially
  • I’ve attempted suicide several times–I nearly died in 1991
  • I met my husband in the 7th grade, but didn’t go out with him til we were 24
  • I have a reputation as a hard-ass
  • I have not hit anyone since the eighth grade
  • I once considered being a stripper–I was thinner then
  • I am addicted to TV crime dramas
  • I discovered masturbation at the age of 14
  • I haven’t quit since then
  • I have TemperoMandibular Joint Disorder
  • I have Fibromyalgia
  • I used to drive a car that could be lifted and moved by six men – now I drive a Caddie now I drive a falling apart 1992 Pontiac
  • I would rather drive a standard than an automatic
  • I am not a trend-fucker
  • I am notoriously bad with my money
  • I do not smoke marijuana
  • I have tried crystal meth–20 yrs. ago.
  • I won’t do it again
  • I tried mushrooms once…they gave me the giggles
  • I have nothing against people who use drugs
  • I drink Bud Light–out of a can.
  • I like the metallic aftertaste
  • I sweat copiously
  • I think it’s disgusting
  • I like Will Smith’s acting but I don’t care for his singing
  • I believe in God and miracles
  • I didn’t graduate from high school
  • I am extremely vocal during sex
  • I was not always that way
  • I would rather shower than bathe
  • I will wait to go to the bathroom until it’s painful
  • I think I may have ruined my bladder by doing that
  • I may or may not add to this document