everything zen

I hate everybody and everything.

Oh, except for YOU, of course.

  • People are mean
  • I am old
  • My house is a mess
  • EVERYTHING FUCKING HURTS
  • I miss my husband

Yeah, I actually thought there would be more to that list, but there isn’t. Of course, the list is enough as it is.

People are really fucking mean. I belong to a lot of discussion boards (writing, web design, photography, etc).

A LOT

Some I’ve been on for YEARS. Some only a couple of months.

I know I could just stop participating on the ones that make me crazy, but I am learning some pretty cool things and I don’t want to give that up. Ditto on the boards where I have nothing in common with the majority of the members.

As in they are young, have little kids, are SAHMs, are well-to-do, are frisky and perky and cute, whereas I am old, fat, unattractive and poor. (Bitter, party of one!)

And many of those perky, young, pretty, well-to-do SAHM’s are MEAN. Seriously. Oh, not to each other, God forbid. The majority of their posts vis-à-vis (so to speak) are full of sunshine and light and great honking pats on the back. They praise each others’ work and their method of potty training. They commiserate on how tired their children make them and discuss … well, they discuss shit that I was too busy working my ass off to worry about when I had little kids.

Anyway – THEY piss me off.

There are also a bunch of them that make me laugh a lot and they’re kind and sweet – the kind of person I didn’t have time to be when I was young and poor and raising two little kids, so there’s that too.

But we’re discussing the shit that I hate and the fact that I am fucking CRABBY today, okay?

I am tired of being old and unattractive. Look, I am fully aware of the fact that I was never a beauty queen, but to put it in the words of one drunken idiot (who BTW, is no longer welcome on my property), I “used to be hot”. I have never been what you might call photogenic, but these days I’m pretty sure if you look up the word “crone” in the dictionary, my picture would be the illustration.

And I am not fishing for any kind of comment on that – seriously. I just want to get it OUT. Out into the fucking universe so I can let it GO.

So, I HATE being old. And fat.

I actually just looked around my house, and I lied. It ain’t that bad.

So THAT I don’t HATE THAT MUCH.

I am so-ooo-ooo OVER being in pain. Like every day of my life. Most days it’s minor, and given the fact that I am OLD, and knowing the shit a lot of other people go through, it’s minor. But there are days when everything hurts at once. When it feels like little animals with really sharp fucking teeth are chawing on my hipbones and my elbows and my wrists. Then there’s that thing where my right arm goes completely “pins and needles” – for DAYS at a time.

Yeah, THAT I really fucking HATE.

:: sigh ::

The husband thing.

Yeah.

He is the love of my life. We get along so well. He makes me laugh my tits off. He works so fucking hard. He tells me he loves me a dozen times a day. He puts up with so much SHIT from me (see all of the above).

We’re kind of slacking in the “married” part of our marriage.

And it’s killing me.