Givin’ it my best shot these past weeks – don’t know how well I’m doing. You know it’s really hard being the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and knowing that I don’t have anyone to go to.
I know I whine a lot and I bitch and moan a lot – the majority of it is for effect. I like to make people laugh. I’m opinionated and I have a goddamn answer for everything. I NEVER (or seldom, let’s say) complain or bitch about what’s really wrong with me, or what’s really bothering me. I have friends who have been going through so much worse that I am that it would be a sin for me to bitch about my piddly problems.
But if anyone knew how bad it really was I’m pretty sure a lot people would be surprised.
I haven’t been sleeping well these past weeks. I hate it when BigD is out of town – HATE IT. I can’t sleep without him, even if I can’t sleep when he’s home cuz he’s a crabby old ass. But at least he’s home and even if one of us are on the sofa, we’re in the same house and if I need him,he’s there.
When he’s gone, I don’t sleep good. I fell asleep at 7pm last night (I know, right?) and was up at one a.m. putting new memory in my computer. By 2am I was a slobbery, whinery, snotty mess. I was just so fucking lonesome. My back hurt so bad, and all I could think was that they’ll never find out what’s wrong with me.
I started crying so hard that I started coughing – this goddamn cold won’t go away, it’s been over a MONTH. I keep thinking about my mom – she went in December and got a completely clean bill of health (she had to have physical cuz she was working at a nursing home). Five weeks later – a fifty cent piece spot of cancer on her lungs.
She was dead less than a year later.
Shit like that goes through your head when you’re home alone, night after night, after night.
So …
Yesterday I was supposed to get my tat worked on by the Tattoo God and then have lunch with a new friend (who happens to be the TG’s lady). My fucking car decided I wasn’t going anywhere and that I need a new ignition module.
Yay.
When to town w/the baby today. She makes me laugh and that’s a good thing. Right now I need all the laugh I can get.
Imma get my Jim Beam on … yeah, pickin’ up the ghetto talk, lol.
I gotta go … nothing to see here, move along.
Whoop.
*hugs* Sometimes you gotta give in to the scary thoughts. Run a hot bath, grab the bottle and have a good cry.
Tomorrow’s another day. You can be Mary Sunshine then
Love you, Cetta. Love you.
Oh my god, you said Jim Beam and I suddenly knew what my life is missing at the moment. God I need a fucking DRINK. (oh jeez, it’s ok for me to say fucking here, right?)
Pfft, also, I suck, first time I comment on your blog in a billion years and I make it all about ME! As much as I bitch about Ed bein’ a pain in my ass, I hate when he’s away, too. He hasn’t gone on a trip for a while, but he was going out on the road a lot and I hated it, couldn’t sleep for shit. (I can say fucking *and* shit, right? jeez, I’m failing at comments today)
Really wish that yesterday would have happened for you ! We WILL make it happen tho !!
When you feel that dark deep lonely thing going on… try to remember all those who love you and would be there for you if they only knew…
Aimee, that’s okay, I’m sure in the past what – 10 yrs? – I’ve done the same thing to.
Are you on a first name basis w/Mr. Beam? We broke up for a while, but I think we may be getting back together, lol.
And yes, this is one of those blogs where you can say ALL the growed up words, lol!!!
Love and kisses, Aimee.
Man … nice comments and I’m bawling like a baby – maybe it’s menopause?!
Love ya, Stace and Tuesday is a frocking GO!
The only way I can drink JB is with a phoo-phoo sour mix. I’ve never been able to catch a buzz on it, even when I’ve stepped up to taking swigs out of the bottle. My bathtub drink of choice would be tequila. The limes can float in the bathwater.
I sleep with 4 dogs in the bedroom. That’s how I cope with being single. Yeah. Go me.
Ah, the joys of hormone withdrawal. It can start as early as 35. How do you think the name 3 Harpies came about?